Neurotypicals Lack Empathy Towards Autistic People

Poor Treatment of Autistics by Neurotypicals

Have you had neurotypicals repeat nonsense to you about autism? Have you tried to educate them about your condition, but they just won’t listen?

Do they pick apart every little quirk you have, then simultaneously insist that you can’t possibly be autistic and everybody is a little autistic? Do they outright deny easily verifiable facts about autism? Do they refuse to educate themselves about it, or even obligate you to educate them, only to argue with everything you say?

Or maybe they agree to look at the information, but cherry pick the parts that seem to support their conclusion that you’re either not autistic, you’re not that autistic, or the behavior you do that they don’t like can’t be attributed to autism. Like with many other neurological conditions, you present a constellation of traits, not all the traits all the time. However, they read on Facebook that “autistic people are organized”, so that time when you forgot something is irrefutable evidence that you can’t be autistic.

Do they use euphemisms like “weird”, “different”, “strange”, or “stubborn” when referring to autistic behavior? When you try to explain your behavior in terms of autism, do they act like you’re justifying it and accuse you of making excuses? Do they supposedly know another autistic person who doesn’t exhibit the behavior you do, and use that as proof that your behavior isn’t autism-related, as if all autistic people were the same?

If they concede you’re autistic, do they maintain a strict distinction, criticizing the behaviors they dislike by insisting that’s “you”, not “the autism”? Does it feel like “all roads lead to Rome” with them in the sense that they somehow always find a way to shift the entire burden of change back to you, the autistic person?

Can their mindset be summarized as follows: “You’re the one who is different, so you should adapt to society, not the other way around. I don’t have these problems with anybody else, so you must be the problem. All these people have problems with you, you’re the common factor. If you’re struggling, it’s your fault. If others are struggling with you, it’s because you just don’t know how to communicate or you’re being difficult.”

If they offer any sympathy towards your general direction, is it exclusively for your parents, coworkers, or anyone who has to be around you? If you solicit any sympathy at all, is it met with an immediate negative reaction where you’re reminded how difficult you are to deal with and that you should be more grateful? If you live with them, are there minor adjustments they could make to greatly improve your quality of life, but they refuse to even try?

If you relate to the above, the most important thing for you to know first and foremost is that this isn’t your fault. You’re just dealing with people who don’t give a fuck about autistic people. Now let me dissect some of their behaviors to shed some light on what’s going on.

Neurotypical Justifications for Poor Treatment of Autistics

Let’s start with the way they think. If you try to understand it in terms of evaluating the evidence, then using logic to come to a conclusion based on that evidence, you’re not going to understand because that’s not what they’re doing. They’re doing the exact opposite. They start with their conclusion, then retroactively perceive the facts as confirming what they’ve already concluded and ignore any evidence that contradicts their conclusion. This is why giving them more information only seems to solidify their conclusion.

So the next most natural question is “Where does the motivation for this motivated reasoning come from?” Well, basically everything they say about autism is a big hint to answer that question.

When they insist that you should adapt to “society” rather than the other way around, they are presenting a false dilemma where the only two options are either you fully adapt to society or society fully adapts to you. A middle ground is not considered. And the conclusion is that since you are the one who is different, it’s unfair to ask everybody else to change, so you should adapt.

This reasoning is very faulty though. For one, autistic people fully adapting to neurotypical society on our own is not possible. For two, we’re usually with only a few other people at a time, and they are the ones refusing to make any effort to accommodate us, not society as a whole. For three, there’s a hidden assumption that accommodating our needs is zero-sum. But in fact, it’s often positive-sum.

They don’t consider any of that though because they don’t care if it makes logical sense. They’re just looking for a sequence of words they can string together that justifies them treating you unfairly, without admitting what they’re doing outright. When they talk about “society”, that’s really code for “them”. What they really want to say is “I am not willing to meet you even ten percent of the way, but I expect you to go one-hundred percent of the way for me.” They’ll never come out and say that, because that’s obviously unfair. That’s why it gets dressed up as a half-baked logical-sounding argument instead.

It’s for the same reason that they criticize your behavior using euphemisms for autism, but they’ll never admit autism has anything to do with it. They don’t want to think of themselves as discriminating, therefore if your behavior bothers them, it can’t be related to autism. And if they ever admit it is related, they’ll immediately put the burden of change right back on you by insisting it’s your responsibility to overcome your autism somehow.

The crux of it is that they want to avoid the responsibility for meeting you in the middle. They want you to make all the compromises and then blame you if you don’t, without being seen as an asshole. That’s where all their mental gymnastics and justifications come from. That’s why they complain endlessly about your autistic traits and then deny you have autism, say you’re not that autistic, they know an autistic person who doesn’t do that, your behavior isn’t caused by the autism, etc. In effect, you’re dealing with a bigot who doesn’t want to admit to themselves that they’re a bigot.

In my own experience, the most common reason for this bigotry is that neurotypicals lack empathy towards autistic people, and more generally anyone who is too different from them.

What exactly do I mean that they lack empathy? For example, you may have noticed neurotypicals can be very empathetic towards others going through challenges they can relate to, such as break ups with a romantic partner. But when it comes to challenges autistic people face, such as feeling deeply misunderstood by everyone or sensory sensitivity, suddenly they show complete disregard. Suddenly, that’s your problem, you need to deal with it on your own, and you shouldn’t expect support from anybody else, especially not them.

Just to be crystal clear, the reason I say neurotypicals lack empathy toward those of us who are different is not because it’s hard for them to understand us, or that they don’t adapt to us. It’s the utter disregard, and the double standard. They don’t even try to understand us or adapt to us, yet they demand that we autistics change our entire beings to make them more comfortable, and it’s still not good enough.

How can we fix this failure of empathy?

Ending the Poor Treatment of Autistic People

In your personal life, I wouldn’t hold out hope. For your own sanity, it’s probably best to just give up and cut the person off. If you still want to try though, you should engage with them on an emotional level. Talk to them about how they feel about it. Giving them more information will never work, because their emotions will drive motivated reasoning which will only convince them that they’re right even more.

On a societal level, I think there needs to be more research focus on figuring out what improves autism acceptance and implementing those findings. More education about autism at a young age would be good. Having more representation in films, TV shows, etc that isn’t just stereotypes would also be good.

The problem now is that the focus is in the wrong place. As always, all the responsibility is put on the autistic person, trying to force us to be like everybody else while most neurotypicals refuse, on principle, to even try to accommodate us. So we have to shift the focus. Instead of asking “How can we make this autistic person seem more normal?” let’s instead ask “How can we make society more inclusive of those who are different?”