How to Maintain a Healthy Self-Image With Autism

In my previous entry “Labels”, I talked about how living as an undiagnosed autistic person in this neurotypical world caused me to accrue a bunch of hurtful, inaccurate labels assigned to me by people who were ignorant about what autism is. Being assigned these labels damaged my self-esteem and left me with a confused self-image.

I should not have listened to those people, but at the same time, one doesn’t want to rely entirely on oneself to gauge who one is. Each of us has biases and blind spots in our individual perception. Also, the input of others can be useful because others have diverse perspectives and experiences we don’t have, and can show us things about ourselves that we alone can’t see.

So how can you, as an autistic person, filter out the inaccurate input given to you by ignorant neurotypicals who don’t know what autism is so that you can gain useful insights about yourself from others, without being left with a twisted self-image and destroying your self-esteem in the process? Do you just put less stock in what anybody else says about you? What is the solution?

I think the key lies in redirecting your attention from whether other people perceive you accurately to why they perceive you the way they do. Take an attitude of curiosity, of wanting to understand their perspective, rather than immediately agreeing or disagreeing.

For instance, if someone says you’re emotionally immature, try to find out why they say that. You could say “That’s interesting. Can you help me understand what makes you say that?” Based on their response, it’ll be easier to decide whether it’s coming from a place of ignorance and you don’t need to take them seriously, or maybe they have a point that you need to consider.

For example, if they respond “You throw temper tantrums where you go into the corner, rock back and forth with your eyes shut, and then ignore me when I’m talking to you.” then it’s likely that they just don’t understand autistic shutdowns. On the other hand, if they respond “All your close friends are a decade younger than you.” that’s probably something worth reflecting on.

You have to bring the conversation there though. If you just immediately get defensive and say “I’m autistic, I can’t help it.” or “So are you.” or something like that, you’ll never understand why they think that way. With some people, it may not be necessary to ask follow-up questions if it’s obvious that they’re just bigoted. For example, if they say “I don’t think you’re autistic.” or “You’re not that autistic.” and then accuse you of exaggerating because you cower when facing loud noises, that person is just an ignoramus and there’s no need to engage.

But it’s also important to remember that you can get useful feedback even from people who are dead wrong. For instance, in my case, people often tell me that I seem so normal, that I’m not that different. If I were to immediately judge their statement, I would dismiss it and say they’re wrong because they don’t understand masking. But instead, thinking about why so many different people perceive me as normal tells me that perhaps I mask too much. Maybe my masking causes their misconception, and letting my mask slip more earlier in our relationship would prevent those misunderstandings.

To conclude, the point I really want to drive home is that it’s not only about whether someone has a correct assessment of you. From a social awareness perspective, it’s extraordinarily helpful in life to understand why other people see you the way they do, regardless of whether you agree with their assessment. Once you understand why, then you can decide whether it warrants you adjusting how you see yourself or how you behave.